TV Makes You Smart

About Last Night

Project Runway was pretty dull last season.  We still watched it, but for the clothes, not for the people.  This season looks much more promising because of Anthony Williams.  He's hilarious and adorable and we really hope he has the chops to go the distance so this season stays interesting.

Fringe was good last night.  We've missed Olivia and her team and the story was cool and surprisingly touching.

news

It's coming, America!  The next VH1 dating show, Frank The Entertainer in a Basement Affair starts January 3rd.  It's such a relief that VH1 is not following through on their threat to stop low-brow programming. 

Super awesome Ricky Gervais is coming back to HBO.

Survivor - People Will Say That You Are Undeserving

Did anyone see that coming?  Can anyone really believe Natalie won?  Granted, Russell lost his mind a little bit at the last tribal council but the man found three hidden immunity idols.  Two with no clues!  He managed to bring his foursome to the top five when they were 4-8 at the merge.  Yes, he was hated and loathsome, but even with that there is no denying that he kicked the game’s ass. 

news

Believe in Christmas miracles!  Frank The Entertainer is getting his own VH1 dating show.

Some True Blood casting news. Awesome, kick-ass Pam is now a regular.  Additional male hottness has been signed.  Sam's long lost brother and Bill's wife will be with us, too. 

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode 13 - America's Heart Breaks

The final four battle it out in Napa Valley.  The quickfire challenge is to make a dish from grapes.  They cook and serve on the Napa Valley Wine Train.  Michael wins and gets a 3rd Generation Prius.  The elimination challenge is to cook two dishes for a crush party, out of only local ingredients.  One dish has to be vegetarian and one has to use a local protein.  They get five hours to cook and a nice big kitchen to work in.  There's no drama.  All of the chefs do well, but Bryan wins.  In a heartbreaking and b.s. turn of events, Jenn has to pack her knives and go.  If she deserved to lose the editors really fell asleep, because to us at home it seemed like Michael's unfinished egg and excess soup added up to the more egregious offense.  To us at home, it seemed like it was more important to get both the brothers into the final than to be fair.  But that can't possibly have been the case, right?  Competitive reality shows never do things like that.  Jenn is crushed but too classy to call foul.  She blames only herself for failing.  Bye Jennifer Carroll.  You were really fun to watch and we really cared about your success.  You are one of the most likeable Top Chef contestants ever.

Next week: The judges make snarky comments!  Someone is Top Chef!

So You Think You Can Dance - America is Never Wrong

Tonight we will hear all about how right or wrong America "got it" by Nigel's standards.  In the meantime, let's examine his attempts to manipulate us into doing his bidding.  We have translated his comments from last night's show to uncover his true intentions.

About Last Night

Amazing Race  Aw, Globetrotters!  Goshdarnnit.  We'll miss you.  Sam and Dan have become so ridiculous that at this point they seem to be parodying themselves and Meghan and Cheyne are still boringly competent.  Brian and Ericka were ecstatic about making it into the finals and Ericka was so hilariously okay with being an obnoxious American that they've won us over.  Go Brian and Ericka!

Dexter  Trinity gets creepier and more frightening as the season draws to a close.  His bomb shelter antics were horrible and his relationship with Christine is tragic.  We almost feel sorry for her.  She never had much of a chance to be a real person with Trinity for a father.  It was fun to watch Batista and Deb go after her.  Next week Trinity tracks down Dexter at work! 

So You Think You Can Dance - America is Never Wrong

Shut up, Nigel.  America is never wrong.  Don't try to tell us who we can and cannot like, for whom we should or should not vote.  You designed the show this way, now live with it.  And don’t think we’re unaware of your attempts to manipulate us, either.  We’re totally onto you.  Here’s our translation of your reactions on Wednesday:

About Last Night

Amazing Race tipped those bratty brothers out of a kayak a bunch of times.  It was really fun to watch.  Go Globetrotters!

The Seinfeld reunion on Curb Your Enthusiasm was fantastic.  Perfect for the show and if it really was the series finale, a great good-bye.

Dexter dropped a huge "Hi Daddy" bomb at the end.  Trinity is so vicious and his family so damaged it was really uncomfortable to watch.  We were totally shortchanged on Masuka and Dexter's kids.  That situation had a lot of untapped comedy potential.  Poor Masuka.  Why spend so much time getting us to invest in LaGuerta and Batista and their sweetness when it's clearly headed for disaster?  It's just mean.

Survivor - It DOES Take a Rocket Scientist

At the beginning of the episode as they return from Tribal Council, everyone is shocked!  Russell is sneaky but he's also successful!  No way.  So the numbers are 5 to 5.  Shambo tries to recruit John, who turns out to have the capacity for both critical thinking and addition.  Unlike the others on his former team.  As an example, Dave is about to find the immunity idol when Russell distracts him by...running.  Dave immediately follows and Russell circles back around and finds it himself.  John lists the ways in which his team has been lacking in analytical skills and common sense and it's funny because he's totally right.  When the former Galu team continues their campaign of stupidity, even coming up with a feeble plan using him to attract votes to dupe the others, John is disgusted.  He switches his vote during the tie-forced re-vote and Laura goes home.  John is suddenly an interesting player.  He'll probably go home next.

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode 12 - Risky Simplicity

Previously on Top Chef: Casinos are inspiring!  Michael is a dick but also a winner!  Buh-bye Robin!

It's morning in the chef'testant house.  Bryan tells us it's the last challenge in Las Vegas and that winning $100,000 would be a big deal to him.  Kevin tells us he's glad he made it this far but he misses his wife.  Kevin is the red herring this week, America.  Eli tells us his mentor is Richard Blais and he wants to win the competition for the both of them.  Jenn reminds us that she's had performance issues.  

About Last Night

So You Think You Can Dance has worn us down.  We are ready to admit that we need to find our way onto the Mollee/Nathan love train because they're not going anywhere.  So okay, fine, the Pop Jazz routine was pretty good.  And even though we love Karen and Kevin and their dance was really cute, they didn't kick the requisite amount of ass they needed to in order to stay.  On the other hand, our other favorites Ryan/Ellenore and Kathryn/Legacy came roaring back this week.  The Travis Wall routine was lovely.

Tabatha had another great week on Tabatha's Salon Takeover.  She faced down a ridiculous receptionist, getting her to admit her own uselessness before getting her fired.  Tabatha's very presence made one of the stylists so scared she swallowed her gum.  And, of course, she brought the salon owner's fortunes back from the brink of disaster and inspired everyone to remember their passion for fabulous hair.  This show is so inexplicably fun.

Dancing With The Stars is almost at an end.  There's nothing left to say because there's no one left worth hating on.  The end.  Go Kelly!

About Last Night

Why do Amazing Racers Sam and Dan hate the Globetrotters so much?  And why is it so much fun watching them get their panties in a wad?  Who cares?  Go Globetrotters!  We'll miss you Gary and Matt, but you were far too decent to have a good shot at winning.  Again, go Globetrotters!

Tough Love is back.  If it's like last season we can expect lots of denial and embarrassingly bad behavior, lots of crying, tons of low self-esteem and delusion and probably a breakthrough or two. 

Survivor - Smug Check!

After the first episode, when Russell burned Jaison's socks and poured water from the canteens of his teammates, thus putting his evil on immediate display, this season of Survivor has been rather lackluster.  Until now.  Any time someone successfully uses an immunity idol you just have to thank Mark Burnett and his lucky stars.  America, how much fun is it to watch a group of people, whose collective cluelessness is matched only by their disgusting smugness, be bested?  It's really fun, right?  Monica suggests maybe they shouldn't vote for Russell since he HAD ALREADY ONCE BEFORE (sorry to shout, but, C'MON!) found an idol without any clues.  Oh, but no, he couldn't possibly have done it again, smugs Dave and everyone follows.  At least at Tribal Council Dave had the grace to look shocked and awed instead of pouty and pissy.  Now we will soon see another of our favorite Survivor phenomena, the indignation of the alliance previously in power over the unwillingness of the other players to just lay down and lose.   We predict there will be more than one angry speech with an underlying meaning of: "You could have gotten sixth place, Shambo, if you had just blindly done what we told you to and let us continue to treat you like s**t.  Instead you decided to try and win and now I'm off and you're still there but I hate you.  So I hope it was worth it!"   For historical reference, see all speeches by white people (other than Johnathan) on Cook Islands.

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode 11 - Death or Glory

Previously on Top Chef: Natalie Portman is a vegetarian but so are a lot of people and the cheftestants need to shut up and accommodate them.  Jenn had confidence issue.  Robin still didn't pack her knives and go.  Buh-bye Isabella!

In the house, Bryan is missing his family.  He has an adorable conversation with his son.  The editing spends so much time on him I start thinking he's going to blow it and be sent home.  Robin and Jenn are getting ready and Robin turns to Jenn and tells her, "I'm glad we're still here, Jennifer."  In a talking head, Jenn says it's a big deal that Isabella's not there and she needs to stop worrying about other people and worry about herself.  Yes.  Do that.  It's time for the Quickfire!

About Last Night

Yay America!  We did it!  Buh-bye Aaron Carter!  We're guessing that as soon as we stop seeing you on Dancing With The Stars we will quickly forget our irrational hate for you.

So You Think You Can Dance is back to being too much too soon.  Too much filler too soon after the last season of filler we lived through.  Karen and Kevin were wonderful again, but our other faves Ellenore/Ryan and Kathryn/Legacy didn't quite pull it off (and yet didn't really blow it, either).  Mollee/Nathan continue to be shoved down our throats gratingly although even the judges had to admit they kind of sucked.  The judges were unduly hard on Channing/Victor.  Their dance was lovely.  Russell is so far ahead of the game he's untouchable.

We recently found ourselves sucked into the improbably entertaining Tabatha's Salon Makeover and the episode last night was particularly satisfying.  She had a ridiculous, hard-headed nemesis, an extra-pathetic owner to transform and a new gay bff, although Tabatha probably has a million gay bffs.  This show is fun.  She's fair and cold and relentlessly honest, but she's not mean.  She really does want to help people.  Plus we would sell our soul (we share one soul amongst us) for her wardrobe.

Top Chefs All Stars Dinner - Spill it, Kids!

Fabio is hosting a dinner!  He looks cute in his pink shirt, black jacket and cuff links.  He's standing in Social restaurant in Hollywood.  Tiffany is first to arrive.  They greet each other warmly, then Harold The King comes in, followed by Ilan and they are all graciousness and contentment.  Marcel's entrance on screen is preceded by the Top Chef this-is-serious-music.  Fabio and the guests greet him nicely and Fabio even compliments his work.  In a talking-head, Marcel proves he is utterly lacking in self-awareness when he says he learned a lot from watching himself on Season Two.  He learned he was young and was a force to be reckoned with and that's why people hated him.  A clip of the Season Two stew room shows Ilan yelling at him to learn how to use salt and paprika and until then shut the f up.  I don't remember that scene but I'm sure I loved it just as much then as I do now.  Fabio tries to stir it up between them but neither bites.  Marcel says he and Ilan and "...culinary brothers of other mothers..."  He really did say that.  

So You Think You Can Dance - So We Were Wrong

Oh, America, you know us.  We are not proud.  We can admit when we were wrong.  We said our hearts are cold for Legacy, but they are warming quickly.  We liked them last week in the Top 20 and last night in the Top 18 he and Kathryn pulled off a dance that was beautiful and moving.  Almost from the moment they began we were big teary piles of mush.  We were wrong, okay?  Legacy is committed and Kathryn is gorgeous.  But we also said Karen/Kevin and Ellenore/Ryan were likely to kick ass this season and we could not have been more right about that.  Karen and Kevin left it all on the floor, they are still simply fun to watch.  Ellenore and Ryan scored with their choreographers.  If you haven't seen Miriam and Leonardo dance, watch this.  It's one of the hottest things in the history of human kind.  Ellenore and Ryan did a fabulous job imitating them and their tango succeeded admirably.  And like all the judges said, Ellenore managed it in spite of the fact that her heel was caught in her dress almost the entire time.   Still not buying the Mollee hype.  Don't care how hard it's sold.

Told You So

If the girls sent home from the season premiere of For The Love of Ray J had read and followed our instructions for winning, they would still be on the show.  Two of them had their trespasses clearly outlined in rule #1.  Fettuccini foolishly bragged about being a starf***er and Tipsy appeared to be there just to party.  Ray J didn't make a connection with Diego, but she could have helped her chances by following rule #2.  We're considering a new rule due to her very egregious offense.  She thought Ray J needs her career advice.  That's a new one.

Top Chef Las Vegas Episode 10 - Steak Through the Heart

Previously on Top Chef: Michael was a dick to Bryan and Robin but his team rocked it and the other team sucked.  He won because acting like a professional is not part of the criteria.  Buh-bye Laurine!

We open on the chef house, where Michael is literally sharpening his knives.  Jenn is sharpening her self-flagellation tools.  On to the M Resort!  What is it with Padma and jumpsuits?  The guest judge for the quickfire is Paul Bartolotta.  Isabella tells us Paul is one of the top Italian chefs in the country.  The challenge is completely unrelated to his specialty.  It's a TV challenge, America.  TV!  They have 60 minutes to cook dishes inspired by TV shows and served in divided trays kind of like you would get with a TV dinner.  During the cooking time, we learn from Michael that he and Bryan used to live with their Mom, then went to live with their Dad where they ate TV dinners.  There's a really adorable picture of them as kids.  Jenn has to cook a dish inspired by The Flintstones.  She tells us that The Flintstones character she identifies with most is Pebbles due to the cute, strong boyfriend and even the club and hair-pulling could be fun sometimes.  Now that Jenn is forever second-guessing herself and making mistakes, I like her even more because I'm constantly worried she'll be leaving us.  Eli reminds us that his show, Gilligan's Island was way before his time.  Kevin has The Sopranos and he's inspired by the importance of family on the show and in his own life.